The Miseducation of Rex Ryan

I’m a Pats fan, but I like Rex Ryan. Tommy Brady’s lavish locks hold the key to my heart so I may be slightly unreasonable about certain things. But not everything. And especially not Rex Ryan.

You can’t tell me he doesn’t he seem like he’d be awesome to play for.  He’s nice like Wade Phillips seems to be, but he’s also obscene and doesn’t mind screaming.

This whole idea is reflected in my favorite moment of the NFL season so far. It was on Hard Knocks when Ryan admonished his team and then capped the reaming out with a “NOW LETS GO GET A @&%$ING SNACK!” That’s a man with his priorities in place.

Say what you want, but I think he’s good for the game. He’s like a wild animal escaped from a zoo. All the other animals watch and WISH they had his gonadial prowess to buck the system, but they just amble back over to their synthetic rocks and artificial trees so that fat tourists with fanny packs can point at them and feel like they’re seeing THE NATURAL WORLD.

And for the fans that are put off by his trash talk…really? So you like the press conferences full of sound and fury that signify nothing informative? That’s what you want?

I want the trash talk. Give me all of it. I want personal attacks. I want Rex Ryan to pull a Clubber Lang and fill his press conferences with innuendo directed at other coaches’ wives. Like you wouldn’t watch that.

The trash talk is the best part. But I have a suggestion for Rex. Deploy it AFTER. When you do it before and you don’t deliver, you lose the cache of awesome and that’s not good for anyone.

And you don’t have to be catty about it either like Urban Meyer. Whether it’s him being the one SEC coach to not vote Auburn #1 or UF announcing Will Muschamp’s hire during the Heisman ceremony. It’s what women do and it’s passive aggressive. This has no place in the NFL.

Can’t you TOTALLY see the following exchange…

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URBAN MEYER stands alone in his kitchen with a cordless phone to his ear. He has a carton of ice cream and a jar of peanut bar opened and alternates scooping between the two.

DAN MULLEN sits alone in his dark office. His feet are propped up on his desk. He looks giddy and nervous.

The two men are featured split screen as DAN MULLEN dials his phone.

A phone RINGS. A man’s voice answers. It’s GENE CHIZIK and he is shown to be in a well-lit conference room. He is surrounded by assistants and they are frantically diagramming plays and watching film.

The three men are now all split screened.

CHIZIK – Hello?

MULLEN – Hey Gene. It’s Dan Mullen. Congrats on the national title game.

CHIZIK – Thanks, Dan. Nice of you to call. What’s up?

MULLEN – Not much. I just wanted to get your opinion on something real quick.

CHIZIK – Can it wait? I’m kind of busy…

MULLEN – So what do you think of Urban Meyer? He’s like totally lost his fastball hasn’t he? Isn’t that probably why he retired?

CHIZIK – Geez, Dan. I didn’t really see a lot of their games. I guess their record was a little bit of a letdown from previous years…

MEYER – OH REALLY Gene Chizik?

CHIZIK – Is someone else on the line, Dan? Who is that?

MEYER – YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS, GENE CHIIZIK. The man you stole Cam Newton from.

CHIZIK – Really Dan? Did you really 3- way call ambush me again?

MULLEN – (giggles)

CHIZIK – Urban…Cam transferred. I had nothing to do with that.

MEYER – Let me share some knowledge with you, GENE: I’m named after a pope. Who are you named after? A pedophile serving time in Shawshank?

CHIZIK – Isn’t Shawshank Prison fictional?

MEYER – Erroneous! I’VE SEEN TIM TEBOW NAKED. What have you done? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

CHIZIK – Ok, I’m hanging up now, guys.

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Let the record show that the above might as well be an official transcript.

What’s the point? Rex Ryan has a chance to be the premiere Heel of all NFL coaches. If he plays his cards right, he can be a beloved trash-talker, but he just has to follow the rules.

#1 – Don’t diss Belicheck.
#2 – Trash talk only AFTER the game has been decided.
#3 – Don’t be catty. Talk trash and then laugh about it like it’s not serious, but don’t blink so we all now you actually mean it.

And on that note, NOW LET’S GO GET A @$&#ING SNACK.