The People’s Guide to the Super Bowl

Did you hear? A little something called the Super Bowl is happening Sunday. You haven’t heard? Hey, it’s cool. Don’t be embarrassed. I just found out Whoopi Goldberg is a lady.

These things happen. It’s 2011. We’re busy. Do you think our great great grandparents had to deal with all this information overload? All they had to worry about was which teat had been milked already on the cow. Greatest generation, huh?

We, on the other hand, have to sort out all these things happening all over the world at the same time. Did Charlie Sheen blow up Egypt? Or did he get elected President in Egypt? I know something happened that involves Charlie Sheen and Egypt. And a brief case of cocaine. I think.

So in the event of your unpreparedness, I compiled a Q&A to help get through the basics.

So who is playing?
The Packers and the Steelers.

I’m embarrassed. I’m not entirely sure who those teams are.
Let me try again. The guy who took pictures of his tra-la-la and sent them to that girl… his old team is playing the team of the quarterback who did some shady business in the nightclub bathroom of that po-dunk Georgia college town.

Oh! Brett Favre’s old team the GREEN BAY Packers are playing the PITTSBURGH Steelers who are quarterbacked by that skeezy dude, Ben Roethlisberger! I get it.
See, you just needed the proper phrasing.

So who’s favored?
The Packers, but just by a little.

How come?
Well, the Packers are playing really good right now. Aaron Rodgers….

Wait who?
Sorry. The guy who replaced the guy who took pictures of his tra-la-la and sent them to that girl?

Oh right! Aaron Rodgers!
Exactly. Aaron Rodgers has been playing really well of late.

So they’re better than the Steelers?
Not exactly. The Steelers just have a lot of injuries on the offensive line.

Who’s fault is that?
It’s no one’s fault per say.

Was that a dumb question? I’m sorry, I just wasn’t sure if their quarterback was also sexually assaulting his teammates.
Oh sorry! That’s totally a good question. But no, he is not sexually assaulting his teammates…That we’re aware of.

So what players should I keep an eye on?
All the players with long hair are good. Clay Matthews for the Packers and Troy Polamula for the Steelers.

Give me someone to talk about so I look smart.
Ok. Hmmm…The tight end for the Steelers, Heath Miller? The Packers don’t cover TEs well so he could have a big game.

For the Packers, I’d say watch out for BJ Rajii. He’s the big fat guy in the middle of the defensive line. He’s frisky so if he gets loose, things could happen.

Any commercials to look out for?
I heard Eminem is going to be a puppet. We know GoDaddy is going to do something slutty and provocative. I’d look for the beer commercials to clean up.

What about the halftime show? Who’s supposed to play? Somebody awesome, I bet.
Actually, God has chosen to punish us with The Black Eyed Peas. I hear people ask all the time, “If God exists, why does he allow things like The Black Eyed Peas to exist?” And you know what I say?

What?
It’s BECAUSE God exists that the Black Eyed Peas can be allowed to happen. They stand in contrast to his goodness. He allows them to exist so that he can say, “You see that? If I wasn’t around and my divine will wasn’t keeping things under control, every song would sound like that. Running, running and running, running and running….YOU’RE WELCOME.”

That’s philisophical.
I know, right?

So if I put a gun to your head, who would you say was going to win?
If you put a gun to my head, I’d nunchuk you in the throat.

You have nunchuks?
You don’t?

Ok let me rephrase: if you had to make a pick on the game, who would you choose and why?
My heart says Steelers, but I think the Packers are a little too talented and the Steelers are just a little too banged up. I’d guess Packers 27-24.

So should I root for the Steelers because they are the underdog?
Root for who you want. I would just caution you about rooting for a team with an alleged rapist as the quarterback. Unless it’s in your bloodline, I would suggest rooting for the Packers so that it can be the cherry on top of the Brett Favre’s worst year ever. But that’s me and I’m aggressively spiteful.

I think that’s it. This was helpful. I feel prepared.
I know. You’re welcome.